


Life's Little Lessons

by EventHorizon



Category: Cabin Pressure
Genre: Established Relationship, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-12
Updated: 2013-08-12
Packaged: 2017-12-23 07:18:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/923483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EventHorizon/pseuds/EventHorizon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Arthur finds an interesting item in a carry-on bag and it's up to Martin to explain things.  Martin is not very good at explaining things...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Life's Little Lessons

      “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH”

Martin raced off the flight deck as fast as he could.  Luckily Douglas wasn’t in the way since he had left as soon as they brought GERTI to a stop and left Martin, as usual, to take care of the post-flight routines.

      “ARTHUR!  What’s happened?”

Arthur was standing, open mouth and wide-eyed and the only thing he could do was point to the source of his shrieking, which was lying on the cabin floor glaring at Martin so forcefully that he had to shove down his own shriek.

      “Skip!  What is _that_?”

No, a naming would not occur.

      “Where in the _world_ did that come from?”

      “I was cleaning and you know that first I hoover, then I clean all the seats, then I hoover again, then I dust the overhead bins, then I hoover again and… this time I didn’t get to do my final hovering since there was a bag left behind and all I did was take it out to see if there was a tag and I tilted it trying to get it out of the overhead and I guess it wasn’t closed all way and that fell out and… well, it did give me a little knock on the head before it landed on the ground and I’m not exactly sure how I feel about that.”

      “That bit I understand.”

      “But what is it?”

      “Arthur… isn’t it rather… self-evident?”

      “No.  I mean… I’m not sure.”

      “How on earth can you not be sure?”

      “Well, it can’t be what it looks like because…. no.  That doesn’t make any sense and if _I_ don’t think it makes sense, well then… whoof.”

      “It’s a penis, Arthur.”

      “No, that’s not really possible, Skip, because you need a person for that and there’s no person here and it’s not like a scary movie where they cut something off of a person and you have to cover my eyes because I get upset and need a little time out before I can watch again.”

      “It’s a _fake_ penis.”

      “No… why in the world would anyone want a fake… you know?  That’s just silly, not that… you know… is a silly thing, but a fake one would be very silly and _that_ is not silly, so it can’t be a fake… thingy.  It’s rather frightening, actually.”

      “Arthur…”

      “Skip, it’s as big as a cat!”

      “I know, but…”

      “People don’t have thingies that are cat-sized!”

      “This is not a conversation I ever, not in a hundred million years, thought I would have with you, Arthur, but… some people want cat-sized thingies when… they’re feeling a bit lonely.”

      “Why?  Does it talk?”

      “I sincerely hope not.”

      “Then I absolutely do not understand.”

      “Ok.  Let’s start here.  I know very well that you are acquainted with the birds and the bees.”

      “That’s brilliant!  I love when we play bees and I get to make buzzing sounds and pretend that I’m pollinating you, even if it’s a bit messy afterwards, but I do wish you’d let me make my costume…”

      “Yes… fine, but now is not the time to discuss your next sewing project.  It’s like this… some people don’t have anyone to play bees with and they can use… that… to at least pretend that they’re playing bees.”

      “It can pollinate?”

      “That one… no. But some… no, wait I am _not_ having that conversation.”

      “But cat-sized?  I guess you could pet it like a cat, but it doesn’t look very soft or fluffy and it won’t purr…”

      “Well, there are some that… dammit!  Stop leading my mind into murky waters!”

      “You know… that rather reminds me of the time we played fishies in the bathtub…”

      “Murky waters!”

      “Oops!  Sorry, Skip.  But back to the thingy on the carpet…”

      “Can we _not_ go back there and just have a nice bit of juice and a sit down, instead?”

      “Brilliant!  I love juice!  But I don’t think I want to sit down and have Mr. Cat keep staring at me while I try to enjoy my juice.  I know!  Put your hat over it and then it can’t stare at me!”

      “My hat?  Arthur, I will not condone such suggestions with regards to my hat.”

      “I wasn’t thinking very clearly, was I?”

      “No. Not in the least.”

      “Though, if you keep _squeezing_ your hat like that, it’s going get to all funny-shaped and then you’ll be out of sorts all night.”

      “Yes, you’re right.  Un-squeezing the hat… but I am already out of sorts because there is a dildo on the floor of my plane and I am beginning to think it’s mocking me.”

      “A what?”

      “A… never mind.”

      “Skip, that very much sounded like a new word and you know how much I love new words.  You remember how happy I was when I found out about spork!  What a brilliant word!  Spork, spork, spork… so now I have a new one I can learn.  Ok… I’m ready.  What’s my word for the day?”

      “No.”

      “I already know that one.”

      “Then my job is done.”

      “Skip… if I have to, I will take a picture with my phone and send it to Douglas…”

      “NO!  That would not be a good idea… that would lead to… very bad things.  Alright… just give me a second… ok, it’s called a… dildo.”

      “Like the little man who goes on adventures with the dwarves in that movie?”

      “No, put d’s in the place of the b’s.”

      “Oh… well, that’s a very silly word, isn’t it?  We’ve gone right back to the sillies and I thought we’d closed the door on that road completely!”

      “Quite silly… yes… yes, it is.  So let’s never say it again for any reason whatsoever.”

      “Can I just call it Mr. Cat?”

      “That would be wonderful, now… I’ll... look, hand me a napkin… ok, good.  Now pick up the bag and I’ll just put this back…”

      “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH”

      “Now what?”

      “SNAKE!”

      “WHAT!”

      “Right there!  In the bag!  And it’s a poisonous one because it’s got a flared head and that’s a sign of a poisonous snake!”

      “Wait…”

      “Oh no… IT’S GOT TWO HEADS!  IT HAS GOT TWO HEADS!  AAAAAHHHHH!”

      “Arthur, calm down…”

      “AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!  IT’S… well, it’s not very long is it?  Maybe it’s a baby snake, and a chubby little baby snake at that.”

      “Arthur…”

      “Oh, if it’s a chubby two-headed baby snake, then we’ll have to take care of it since it’s not with its mother, but I’m not sure if I can feed it mice, so maybe we can find something else it will eat like sausages or cheese.”

      “Arthur… it’s not a snake.”

      “It most certainly _is_ a snake.  And a two-headed one at that.  They do have those, too.  I saw them on the telly, though, now that I think about it, those snakes had both heads at one end and not one on each end like our snake.”

      “It. is. not. a. snake.”

      “Skip, you’ll have to trust me on this.  You do not have nearly the experience watching animal programs as I do.”

      “I am going to open the bag and I want you to look inside one more time.  Ok?”

      “I’d rather not.”

      “I promise it won’t bite.  Now… please do not scream again, but just take a little look…”

      “I’ll do my best… ok, I really want to scream again.”

      “Please don’t.”

      “Skip…”

      “I know, Arthur… I know.”

      “But why, Skip?”

      “You really don’t want to know.”

      “I mean, Mr. Cat is one thing, but Mr.  Snake… I fancy myself someone who has seen a lot of silly things and sometimes even does silly things but… we’ve gone a bit overboard with the silly at this point.”

      “It’s…”

      “How can you possibly play bees with a snake, Skip?”

      “It’s… it’s for two people to play bees.”

      “But you _already_ need two people to play bees!  One bee and one flower and if you’d let me make my costumes it be even more obvious who was who.”

      “Arthur… I know this is hard for you, but think of it as a game.  One of those building games you like where you have to make the blocks fit together.  Think of… Mr. Snake… as a block and then think about how it would fit together.  With two people.  Playing… well not bees, but maybe weasels?”

      “Weasels?”

      “Going into their little… weasel holes… I mean homes.  Weasel homes.”

      “Skip… I think you’ve gone a bit daft.”

      “Oh, there’s no question about that, but give it a try.”

      “Ok… thinking.  Weasels… and weasel homes… and Mr. Snake… and happy weasels playing with each other and having a nice time… then they get tired and go into their little holes and… no.  Oh no… Skip, tell me my brain isn’t thinking what my brain is thinking about those nice little weasels.”

      “I’m sorry, Arthur.  Weasels are randy creatures.”

      “And so are snakes!  And cats!  Even when they’re sort of pink or have two heads!  I need a lie down.”

      “I think we both do, but how’s this for an idea first?  You hold the bag open and I’ll put Mr. Cat back in with his friend Mr. Snake, then we’ll close the bag nice and tightly and put it in Carolyn’s office so if the client comes back for it, _she_ can deal with them.  How does that sound?”

      “What happened to Mr. Weasel?”

      “There wasn’t a Mr. Weasel, Arthur.  Only two animal friends today.  That we know of.  And I am not checking to see if there’s more from the zoo in that bag.”

      “Well, if you’re sure we’re not leaving anyone behind because that would be horrible and I wouldn’t be able to sleep at all tonight if we did.”

      “I’m sure, so hold the bag open… oh, I _will_ be washing my hands with bleach after this… ok… close it.  Close it!  There.  Now, let’s go drop this off and never speak of this night again.”

      “I think I must agree with that and you know how much I like speaking about things.  But you know, I never did get my juice.”

      “Don’t worry, we can pick up juice on the way to my flat.  Juice that hasn’t been within wafting distance of your animal chums.”

      “Hurray!  Can it be pineapple?”

      “Pineapple sounds wonderful.”

      “And maybe…”

      “You want to play bees tonight don’t you?”

      “It _would_ be rather nice.”

      “I think it would be rather nice too.  We’ll leave a note for Carolyn with the zoo bag saying you’re going to sleep over at my flat.”

      “Brilliant!  And Skip…”

      “Yes, Arthur?”

      “I’m glad I have you and don’t have to settle for petting Mr. Cat.”

      “That's why I love you, Arthur.  You always say the sweetest things.”

**Author's Note:**

> There are other little fics on my tumblr - feel free to swing by and have a look:
> 
> http://eventhorizon451.tumblr.com/short_works


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